Networking is Not a Dirty Word
Many of my career coaching clients cringe at the word “networking.” But I think networking gets a bad rap. When undertaken in the right spirit, building relationships can be fun as well as helpful. And you don’t have to be Keith Ferrazi to do it. (more…)
Thinking Like an Owner
My husband and I recently hosted a company party for the biotech startup where he works. When the CEO, who was picking up the tab for the event, offered to pay for carpet cleaning, I joked, “Thanks, but I don’t want to increase your burn rate.” He chuckled, “That’s good – you’re thinking like an owner.”
Much has been written about the value of thinking like an owner, but how can leadership create an environment that encourages employees to think like owners? (more…)
No More Mister Nice Guy?
Nice guys earn significantly lower salaries than less agreeable men (though still more than women, regardless of their agreeableness) reports a new study by Timothy A. Judge, Beth A. Livingston, and Charlice Hurst in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Whether you are surprised or unsurprised, dismayed or vindicated, you may be wondering whether this information should lead you to try to change your workplace behavior or persona. Bottom line: if you want to get a raise, should you act like a jerk?
No. Instead, the authors of the study recommend that we adopt a “flexible repertoire of behaviors appropriate to context.” You need not abandon the pro-social behaviors that strengthen relationships and improve job satisfaction. But if you suspect that you may be too “nice” for your own good, you should probably learn to selectively assert yourself, particularly in the areas of salary negotiations, constructive challenge to the status quo, and advocating for yourself. This almost certainly means being less “agreeable” but it does not make you a “meanie.” (more…)
Launched!
This morning, I launched my son — my baby — into the world. Today he begins an academic career that I hope will foster and channel his natural curiosity, helping him chart a path of discovery that takes him ….. where? The possibilities are endless. He also will encounter a new social milieu and an expanding circle of influences — both positive and negative. My heart was full of hope and nervous excitement as I gave him over into his teacher’s capable hands. And at the same time, I was aware that entering kindergarten also signifies a curtailing of his freedom. Today he set foot on what can become a treadmill of rules and conformity. This is big, exciting, and scary. (more…)
Learn from Success
“Learn from your mistakes.” How many times have you heard this? It’s good advice, as far as it goes. The lessons of our failures are valuable — burn your finger once and you learn to steer clear of the hot stove. But how often have you conducted an autopsy of a success? What might you learn if you did?
Chip Heath and Dan Heath’s reader-friendly book “Switch — How to Change Things When Change is Hard” invites us to devote more attention to our successes — both for what we can learn about how to solve a problem and to help avoid overwhelm and motivate change. Unfortunately, we often ignore success in favor of dwelling on failures. We seem to be wired for it. In study after study, psychologists have found that there is a “positive-negative asymmetry” whereby “bad is stronger than good.” We pay more attention to bad news; people’s negative characteristics make a stronger impression on us than their positive qualities. It turns out that we even have nearly twice as many words for negative emotions as for positive emotions. This emphasis on negativity can lead to feeling overwhelmed and make it hard to believe that change is possible. And our tendency to focus on big problems (and look for correspondingly big solutions) may blind us to the small solutions that can bring about major change. (more…)
The Benefits of Over-Communicating
When in doubt about who’s doing what, OVER-COMMUNICATE. Ask questions. Air assumptions. Clarify, clarify, clarify.
Frequent, direct communication prevents you from assuming that your colleague is going to do something, only to find out when it’s too late that he thought you were responsible. (Remember the old saw that when you ASSUME it makes an ASS of U and ME? It’s true.) Over-communication of this kind also prevents you from stepping on your collaborator’s toes when you take action that you thought was obvious without discussing it with her first.
Explicit communication is particularly necessary when roles, responsibilities, and accountability are unclear. In partnership or collaboration, conflict often arises about who takes the lead, who makes decisions, who manages the process, and who is responsible for which tasks. In the absence of a clear project plan outlining responsibility and accountability in detail, team members should communicate frequently about their own actions and assumptions and stay curious about what other team members are doing and assuming. This should not be read as an invitation to inefficiency or over-sharing (emails should be short and direct, and TMI is still too much information). Often all it takes is asking a clarifying question or two, doing a quick check-in, or circulating an email after a meeting summarizing your understanding of what was decided.
Communication doesn’t eliminate all conflict, but it goes a long way to preventing conflict from damaging relationships.* Confusion or disagreements are brought to light and can be resolved. This helps build trust and collaboration.
*The principle of over-communication works in marriage as well — it helps prevent taking your spouse for granted.
How You Slice It
What are your priorities? Are you living them?
There’s a group called NotMyPriorities.org that hands out postcards depicting a pie chart of the United States’ budget. The Pentagon’s slice is well over half the pie, with each of the other categories (education, health, environment, justice, housing, etc.) occupying just a tiny wedge. My older daughter picked up this postcard from a sidewalk protester and asked us about the chart. Next thing you know my husband had us all (including our preschooler) drawing our own pies and dividing them up as we saw fit. “Imagine it’s your piggy bank,” he said. “How would you want to spend it?” What ensued was a lively discussion of values and priorities and trade-offs. It was a good lesson for us all.
How does your own resource allocation align with your priorities? Imagine your personal financial pie chart, reflecting your actual spending. Do you know what percentage you spend on housing, healthcare, savings, lattes? Sketch out the major slices. Does it reflect your values and priorities? If not, what would your ideal allocation (one that is aligned with your values and reflects your priorities) look like?
I grant you that this exercise is an oversimplification. Some things simply cost more and will therefore occupy a larger slice of the pie than others. But if your spending is way out of whack with your stated values and priorities, you need to begin to make adjustments or you will find yourself squandering resources and underfunding things that are important to you.
Now imagine another pie chart — TIME. Your pie represents a block of time — a day or a week. Draw slices representing your six to ten major time commitments. Ask yourself: does it reflect your values and priorities? Is it sustainable? are there any major time-wasters? What is over-weighted, underrepresented or missing? Is there a Pentagon in your budget that is taking more than its share?
Finally, sketch out your ideal time allocation, aligned with your values and priorities. It should be sustainable and include all your major necessities as well as your aspirations. How does it look, and how does it differ from your actual?
What can you do to make your actual pie look more like your ideal? What will you do this week to ensure that you are living your priorities? Please share your ideas here.
How Much Beer Do I Need for My Son’s Fifth Birthday Party?
I’m feeling pretty emotional tonight — alternately weepy and wistful. Today my son (the baby) graduated from preschool and then we had a big party to celebrate his 5th (fifth!) birthday. Now, exhausted and more than a little wound up, I am blogging for the first time in months.
I used to scoff at kiddie graduation ceremonies. But now I see the value of this rite of passage. My son is old enough to comprehend that something special is ending and something new and unknown is coming. He patiently explained to me that the graduates would sing “Silver and Gold” because “ya know, Mom, it says, ‘make new friends but keep the old’ — like, we are going to make new friends but never forget our Glenridge friends.” He stood proudly in the paper crown and red felt sash he had decorated for the occasion. He understood and enjoyed the occasion.
But what I really grasped today was that the graduation is as much for the parents as for the children. This is particularly true at our preschool, which is a co-op where every family works in the classroom and helps with the running of the school. Working together and caring for one another’s kids helps build community and intimacy. In addition, being in the classroom with and under the supervision of our skilled director and teachers and attending parent education presentations means that the parents grow and learn nearly as much as the kids. In a sense, we are all graduating.
So now I find myself getting verklempt and humming Silver and Gold. These parents with whom I have shared so much and learned so much — who have comforted my children when they were sad and whose children have nestled confidently against me as I read to them — they form a community that has enriched my life. I will miss sharing the work of educating our little ones, and I will miss hanging out with them in playgrounds and kitchens as our kids play.
Which brings me to the title of this blog. Because as I planned my son’s party (superhero theme, rented jumpy house, and all), I was also making a party for the grownups. So yesterday I went to BevMo and got a case of beer and hoped it would be enough. Then I panicked — maybe I needed more? I found another six in the fridge. As it turned out, I got it about right. While the kids jumped like maniacs, decorated superhero masks and ran amok in the playroom, the parents clustered, beer in hand, talking and laughing. And I looked around at these friends and saw pure gold.
Thanks, Glenridge friends!
Reality Check Your Resolution
Whether or not you are a resolution-maker, the New Year invites you to take stock of the distance traveled over the last twelve months and set goals for the coming year. This year, many of us look back on 2010 and see a lot of hardships – whether loss of job, financial stress, health problems, or loss of loved ones. Most of these have hit pretty close to home for me over the last twelve months. And I, for one, am hoping for a better 2011. But while I am hopeful and positive, I am also aware of the many hurdles to overcome, both personally and globally.
Cultivating a perspective that is at once hopeful and also fully recognizes the challenges ahead is a delicate balance, but one that I believe is the key to success and to a rich and authentic, un-deluded life.
In his recent book, Half Empty, David Rakoff (known to fans of This American Life for his terrific and witty radio essays and stories) argues that a dose of old-fashioned pessimism is healthy, and would serve us better than the Always-Look-On-The-Bright-Side mindless optimism of popular culture.
He’s got a point. Don’t get me wrong – I still fundamentally believe that positive sentiment and positive intention lead to greater happiness and success, provided that they are accompanied by the recognition of the obstacles that will arise and that willingness and ability to do the work and overcome them.
A great illustration of this balancing act is described as the “Stockdale Paradox” in Jim Collins’ book, Good to Great. Named after Admiral James Stockdale, who spent eight years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, the Stockdale Paradox refers to Stockdale’s unshakeable belief that he would prevail in the end while at the same time confronting the brutal realities of his situation. According to Stockdale, it was the optimist who fared the worst in prison, deluding themselves that release was just around the corner. “They were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.” Stockdale, on the other hand, recognized the gravity of the situation and devised tactics to get through – a tapping code for the prisoners, methods for withstanding torture, ways of conveying intelligence in his letters to his wife. He kept the faith, but he didn’t ignore the facts.
So how does this apply to New Year’s Resolutions? Thusly: the most successful resolutions will be made in the belief that one can and will achieve them and in the recognition of how hard they will be. So reality check your resolution. Pave the road with your good intentions, and anticipate the potholes that you will encounter and how you will deal with them. Rakoff might suggest that you channel your inner Jewish mother – even though it is sunny now, rain may be just around the corner, so you might want to pack your umbrella.
Reality can be hard, brutal, even. But it is also rich and ever-changing. And we humans are blessed with the ability to hope for the best, plan for the worst, adapt, and overcome. In this spirit, I wish you a good 2011.
Childcare – Who Pays?
“I’d love to work, but I’d barely make enough to pay for childcare,” says my friend, a mother of three. And I’ve heard this explanation from many stay-at-home-moms, heck, it was my reasoning for a long time as well. But assessing the cost of childcare solely to the mother’s income doesn’t make sense, says Joan Williams, author of Re-Shaping the Work-Family Debate: Why Men and Class Matter. Instead, couples should view the cost of childcare as a cost of “protecting the economic future of the entire family, and specifically the children” and should share it.
According to Williams, who was interviewed last week on Michael Krasny’s Forum, mothers who take a year off to care for kids sacrifice 20% of their lifetime earnings and those who take two or more years off give up 30%. Ouch. This loss of earnings represents a real economic cost to the family and to the children, particularly if the parents should ever divorce.
The benefit of gainful employment is not just the current income earned, but also retirement savings and the longer-term benefit of remaining current in the workforce. But there is also another reason not to charge the cost of childcare solely against the mother’s income – because both parents have an interest in and obligation to the children, and because both partners’ ability to work outside the home depends on having someone care for their children. Childcare is not just “women’s work,” any more than breadwinning is just men’s work. In fact, according to Williams’ study, men now report a higher incidence of work-family conflict than women do. It’s in everyone’s interest that we expand the workplace family policy debate to include men as well as women.
P.S. The decision to stay in the workforce, take time off, or return to the work is a distinctly individual one and depends on each family’s needs and desires. Calculation of the costs and benefits is infinitely more complicated than outlined above, as it involves more than finances.
