I’m not sure when “partner” became a verb, and truth be told, my inner lexicographer probably winced the first few times I heard it. But now I have adopted it whole-heartedly. So much so that today I partnered with a terrific coach and consultant, Leigh Marz, to interview for an exciting consulting project involving three non-profit entities that are — you guessed it — partnering in service of a shared mission.

Partnership offers so much more than going it alone. For Leigh and me, partnering provides complementarity of skills and experience. Our partnership allows us to better serve our potential clients in part because of our different backgrounds and strengths, yet we share enough common values, language, and skills to work effectively together. Partnerships also can bring together the resources of multiple aligned interests or stakeholders who share a common goal, through public-private partnerships, governments partnering with NGOs, non-profits banding together. In some cases, partnership is the only way to get things done.

Of course, partnerships also have their own sets of unique challenges. Although interests may align or overlap, the issue around which entities partner is often only a piece of what the larger organization is about. This can create mismatches of commitment and accountability. Further, partners wielding differing amounts of power may experience friction over decision-making. And often, the partners may come from radically different cultures (such as business, non-profit, and government), making it difficult to communicate, build trust, and manage conflict.

The good news is that all of these challenges can be met by a proactive and aware partnership. And where it gets really exciting and productive is where the partnership can create its own culture, balancing the interests of its members. Creating and maintaining a culture of positivity and productivity leads to strong, effective partnership.

Plus, it’s a lot more fun. Here’s a noun-turned-verb I can embrace!

*In case you were disappointed to learn that this post is not about marriage, I’ll let you in on a secret: it actually is. Marriage partnerships can face all of the challenges identified above and also can benefit from all of the strengths. And while I’m talking about marriage, I do want to acknowledge my husband, Reece. I’m so glad I “partnered” with him nine years ago.

Further confirmation that I have found the right profession — my bedside reading.

Lately, my reading habits have changed. I have always been an avid reader of fiction. From Narnia and Tolkien in grade school, to romance novels in my teens, to literary fiction (with a healthy dose of “chick-lit” and all the Harry Potter books) in my adult life, I have always loved plot and character and make-believe. Nearly everything else was a slog. And when I was a lawyer, you would never catch me reading a law-related book in my spare time.

So imagine my surprise when I began to read and enjoy non-fiction. It started with Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food, continued with Po Bronson’s Nurture Shock, and came to a fever pitch over Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project and Dan Pink’s Drive. It’s gotten so out of control that I failed to finish two of the last three novels for my book group. My nightstand and desk are piling up: Marriage books, parenting guides, management texts — a collection of what is sometimes disparagingly called “Self-Help.” But regardless of their section in Barnes & Noble, these books fundamentally address the question of how we should live and work as individuals and together.

What could be more fascinating than that?

Coming soon to the resources page: Recommended reading.

I just hope my book group doesn’t kick me out ….

What’s on your nightstand? What does it say about your passions? Any recommendations?

According to debtor’s anonymous, many people who repeatedly incur unsecured debt experience so-called “terminal vagueness” – a lack of awareness or monitoring of their finances. But you don’t have to be ready for a Twelve-Step program to be prone to this condition. Here are four steps to getting out of the terminal vagueness that besets those stuck in dissatisfaction.

First, get clear about where you are now. Dissatisfaction can be diffuse and tricky to pin down, but if you divide your life into different areas (see the wheel of life assessments), you will be better able to see specifically what is working and what is not working. For example, if you are unhappy at your job is it because you hate your work? or do you love your work but there is too much of it? Or if you seek a better life balance, what elements are over- or under-weighted.

Next, know what is important to you – what are your core values, the things that make for feeling fulfilled? These might include intellectual growth, adventure, security, passion, family, creativity, fitness, independence. To gain more clarity about what these values mean, think of examples when you were living according to or honoring each value – or a time when you compromised or stepped on an value.

Now, you are ready to set clear goals. You want to get in shape? First, establish a target, whether it is a clothing size, a weight, or an athletic achievement. You want to be financially secure? Figure out how much money you have to earn and how much you need to save to feel secure. You want to be successful? Define success – in terms of professional achievement, title, promotion, or salary.

Finally, commit to specific steps to move you toward your goal, and establish a plan for monitoring your progress – a resolutions chart (the adult equivalent of our kids’ sticker charts), keeping a journal, or setting up accountability with a coach or a friend.

People often ask me what is the difference between coaching and therapy. Much is made of the differences, usually by one side seeking to disparage the other side. Therapists claim that coaching – which is three decades old and largely unregulated – lacks the rigor and substance of psychotherapy and is little better than snake oil. Meanwhile, coaches argue that therapy is backward-looking, inefficient, and pathologizing. But these self-serving critiques do neither side justice. Both disciplines have their place in helping people to lead happier, more fulfilling lives.

Choosing one (or both) path depends on what you seek from the relationship.

First, some similarities:

*Both coaching and therapy are talk-based approaches.
*Clients in both arenas often initiate therapy or coaching because they are dissatisfied with the status quo.
*Both often deal with emotional content.

Now, some differences:

*Therapy is a diagnostic model, based on treating dysfunction or mental illness. Therapists diagnose and treat. Coaching is a wellness model, centered on helping the client find fulfillment.
*Therapy seeks to understand why client is the way he or she is. Coaching focuses on who the client wants to be.
*The role of therapist as expert can create a hierarchical relationship. Coach and client are peers.
*Therapy focuses on healing and understanding. Coaching focuses on growing and realizing potential.
*Therapist works mostly with internal issues. Coach works mostly with external issues.
*Therapists are trained to work with and treat people with mental illnesses. Coaches are trained to work with functioning clients.
*Therapy is oriented toward working with problems and generating insight. Coaching is geared toward finding solutions and generating action.
*Accountability and homework in between sessions is essential. Accountability is less common in therapy.

I acknowledge that the differences I outline above are generalizations that do not always hold. Psycohologist Michael Bader believes that the differences are greatly exaggerated, and perhaps he is right. Nonetheless, the distinctions I outlined above do offer some insight into the modes and biases of each, and may help potential clients in choosing one approach or the other. And here’s one difference worth noting: Coaches refer clients to therapists when appropriate. Therapists seldom refer to coaches.

Woody Allen famously said that “eighty percent of success is showing up.” But sometimes showing up is more than eighty percent – it’s the whole ball game.

This past week tragedy struck my husband’s family when his younger cousin James died suddenly, devastating his wife and two children, mother and sister. He was irreplaceable and his absence will be with them forever.

Friends and relatives rallied around the grieving family, bringing meals, caring for the kids, and assisting with funeral arrangements. My husband cut his trip to France short so that he could attend the funeral. Meanwhile, I recruited five different families to help with our three kids so that I could also make the trip to San Diego for the service. Friends and family from all over the country came and filled the many chairs on the bluff overlooking the Pacific.

Why was it so important that we be there? There was nothing we could say or do that would make it better or that would make sense of the loss. But that’s not the point. The point is that for those who are bereaved, life as they know it has just stopped. And the least that the rest of us can do is drop everything for one moment and support them.

All too often we don’t call or write or show up because we don’t know what to say. This awkwardness we feel is principally about us – our own sadness and discomfort, perhaps our egos, our desire to say the “right thing.” But if we put our attention on those in need, we know that our own discomfort is irrelevant. We must reach out and simply be there for them.

We stand with the grieving family and pay tribute to the life that was extinguished. We show up.

May James rest in peace and may his family find comfort.

The very best parenting manuals translate to other aspects of life, as well.

In her classic parenting guide, Positive Discipline, Jane Nelson asks, “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” It does sound crazy when she puts it like this, doesn’t it? But this belief is at the core of a discipline strategy that depends on punishments, blaming, and shaming to stop undesired behavior rather than trying to address the cause of the behavior. Meanwhile, my own experience tells me that feeling good usually brings out my best. And feeling guilty, anxious, or unworthy? Not so much …

Nelsen’s strategies acknowledge a child’s emotions, respect the child, and engage the child’s problem-solving skills and autonomy.

Now, substitute the word “employee” for “child” above and you might see the same advice in a management text. And since I am reading this book on the heels of Dan Pink’s Drive, I am struck by the similarity between Nelsen’s analysis of punishments and rewards (the former of which create anger, deception, and rebellion, and the latter of which teach kids to seek outside approval rather than creating self-worth) and Pink’s discussion of the use of carrots and sticks in the workplace (extrinsic motivation). Both Nelsen and Pink conclude that tapping into the subject’s intrinsic motivation works better over the long haul.

We like to think that maturity has transformed us from the irrational creatures we were as children. And it has, to a great extent. But really, though we have been socialized to behave better, many of our emotional needs and motivations remain. The sooner we all learn to acknowledge the emotions of those around us and to manage our own emotions, the better off we’ll all be.

p.s. Some management texts make good parenting manuals as well. The husband of one of my mom pals had always been skeptical about positive discipline until he was required to read Dan Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence for a leadership seminar at work. Now he’s on board with the parenting techniques that she has been urging for years.

My timing was flawless. I returned from dropping my son off at school just before my first client of the day. But when the phone rang promptly at 9:30 I couldn’t find my wireless headset (perhaps the most important piece of technology for a coach). It was … well, you read the title. I’d like to blame my kids, but I have to confess that I must have set it in with the bananas and apples myself last night. Boy, do I need help!

First, the background: this is Day 10 of 15 Days (FIFTEEN DAYS) that my husband is away at conferences in – get this – France. It’s actually immaterial where he is, and in my more generous moments I am even happy for him that he gets to take a dinner cruise on the Seine while I am wrangling our children. The point is that I have been flying solo with our three kids, plus running my coaching business, and the only way for me to survive this with a shred of sanity is to get help.

Today help arrives in the form of my in-laws who will stay for two days and three nights and who will bring a pot roast. Friday night help was my neighbor Gretchen who listened to my teary complaints about my ungrateful children, told me I was a good mom, and poured me a glass of good red wine. Numerous days it has been parents in my kids’ schools doing drop-off or pick-up for me when I couldn’t make it or just needed a break. And I am grateful to them all.

For those of us who pride ourselves on being the go-to person, who habitually take on a lot of responsibility and prefer to be the helpER, rather than the helpEE, asking for help can feel uncomfortable. So here are some reasons to do it:

1.You need it. Don’t get caught up in your own myth about how strong and self-sufficient you are – just lean on someone. It feels good, once you get used to it.
2.You will do a better job if you are supported. You can’t just keep drawing on your reserves without making a deposit, so give yourself a break.
3.People like to help. Think how good it makes you feel to be able to help a friend in need. Give your friends that warm feeling.
4.You are modeling good life skills for those around you – your children, co-workers, even your partner. There is no shame in asking for help.
5.You will be less resentful. Self-righteously soldiering on when you are overwhelmed sows the seeds of anger and resentment. Don’t go there.

Bottom line: everyone is better off if you seek support when you need it – before you have blown through a work deadline or locked yourself in the bathroom weeping.

Okay, I’ve gotta go. It just started raining, so I need to call a mom from my daughter’s soccer group to ask her to pick her up for me today.

The story of lawyer-turned-football-coach Daron Roberts offers some great lessons on career change. Roberts turned his back on a Harvard Law School education to start from scratch and become an NFL coach. While your transition may be less dramatic, you can learn from his inspiring story.

1. You can change your career. It’s that simple (though not easy). So don’t let your past choices or inertia dictate your future career. Even after investing time and money in law school, Roberts wasn’t bound by his education. He discovered his passion through volunteering at a summer football camp and knew he wanted to be an NFL coach. Then he made his move and didn’t look back.

2. All it takes is one “yes.” And you may need to collect a stack of rejections in order to get one. Roberts, who had no football experience since playing for his high school team, applied to fifty colleges and all the NFL teams. All but one rejected him, but the Kansas City Chiefs took a chance on him. That was all the opportunity he needed.

3. You may have to start from the bottom. Changing course may require going back to school, working as an unpaid intern, or taking a job in the mailroom. So check your ego at the door and work your way up. Roberts went from a highly-paid law firm job to an unpaid internship. His work wasn’t glamorous, but he used it to learn and to make connections.

4. Create your own allies. Whatever the environment, your success is a result not just of what you do but also the relationships you have. Roberts’ Harvard pedigree and network didn’t do him much good in the locker room. Undeterred, he identified a veteran coach whom he admired, worked his tail off, and proved himself. Eventually Roberts won the coach’s respect, and he moved up from unpaid intern to paid coaching staff.

5. Passion matters. Don’t be afraid to show your passion and enthusiasm — it is one of your greatest assets. Kansas City’s coach saw Roberts’ passion in his willingness to leave the law behind to pursue football coaching, so he gave the novice a chance. And Roberts’ passion sustained him through the grueling pace of the early days and months.

I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or cheer when I read a post on ParentHacks suggesting that moms turn their children’s bathtime into “pamper” time by sticking their own feet in a lavender scented kids’ bathtub while reading a glossy magazine, and then donning lotion and socks afterward.

Such are the lengths to which a mom will go. The sheer absurdity the rubber-ducky-strewn spa pedicure made me want to laugh. At the same time, the sad truth that many moms have so few moments of peace and self-renewal made me want to cry. And the sheer pluck and ingenuity of seizing a moment for oneself even in the thick of mothering elicited my admiration.

All three perspectives contain some truth, and being able to shift among them is essential for sane parenting. As a mother of three once told me after a particularly scatological experience, “Motherhood is not for wussies.” We need to acknowledge, share, and support one another in the sacrifices of motherhood. We must also find ways to care for ourselves within the constraints of the daily grind. And perhaps most important, we depend on our senses of humor to sustain us and maybe even allow occasional moments of grace.

Just don’t try to convince me that reclining in the dentist’s chair is as good as a massage or that doing isometric exercises while under the drill will help tone and firm my skin!

Here’s wishing you some real pampering and a Happy Mother’s Day!

I’m thrilled to announce that in addition to my own coaching practice, I will be joining the mac advisors team for organization and business coaching. Partners Michael MacNeill and Caroline MacNeill Hall are a dynamic pair who bring tremendous experience, talent, and skill to leaders and teams throughout the world. With integrity and spirit they help their clients meet business challenges, create change, and grow in the 21st century economic environment.

It is a privilege to associate with this amazing group of talented and charismatic advisors and coaches!